I like to think about things. I also like to question things – sometimes just for the sake of it.
I nerd myself into some things. Other things I am extremely uninterested in.
I have also become a climate change aunt, despite mine so far, in the context, young age.
On this blog you can read most of what fits in my world of thought. From social criticism to beauty 40+ to embarrassing stories to…
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At this point, it has been about four and a half months since I had my last chemotherapy treatment. That whole adventure is now deeply shrouded in a thick fog – I don't really remember much of it. But it's been a while since I wrote about my recovery, and thought I'd give a brief update.
I think for my part, all this could have been better in time than exactly as it was. That the operation took place when it was done, and that above all the period with chemotherapy was when it did, the radiation where it was – so that I could use the summer to recover.
Now it has this summer deviated quite significantly from how we got used to how summers are, numer. This is a very typical Swedish summer as they were when I was a child (and, except for the three weeks or so in June when it was bloody dry and hot). For that reason, I haven't felt quite as bad as I usually do in the summer, because I'm so insanely heat intolerant. But even if the summer hasn't been terribly hot, has it still been summer and I don't like summers.
But for one a couple of weeks ago, a friend told me that it probably wouldn't be that hot during the rest of the summer, which made my entire approach to my recovery, what is reasonable to expect and so on, was reset within a thousandth of a second.
I think I have physically recovered fairly well, actually. At least compared to how the body worked before all this started. The only thing that differs – and I think it could possibly be due to the Tamofix I'm taking (hormone-inhibiting medication), is that I have a lot of pain in one heel. It's an ache I usually get a little from time to time, but it usually subsides within a week or so. This time it has lasted for around a month, and doesn't seem to want to let go quite yet.
But if man thinking how I can manage to walk my dog, Boyo – it is still relatively warm during the day, and he too is sensitive to heat, so then we mostly go for him to do his thing. In the evenings and nights, However, we have started going for sensible walks again. Not the longest – but I don't think it will be long before we get started on it. The only thing standing in the way right now, is that damn heel pain I have. Because I believe that I can take quite long walks – but my heel has no desire, and therefore we become limited because of it, which is sickeningly annoying.
Otherwise I spend a lot of time, energy – and money, on making my hair grow and get good quality. I have started to devote myself to natural hair care, which I will write about in my latest blog, klokskaper.se. It grows quite fast, but I myself snap out of frustration, because I don't look sensible in the skull and it will be a long time before I feel sensible in the hair.
I notice that I since the entire treatment period was finished, have started devoting myself more and more to what I really enjoy doing. My interests become more, and I'm not a bit surprised by a single one of them. The whole experience of going on chemotherapy, get radiation and so on, definitely do something with one – at least with me, and so on hindsight it feels mostly positive. And thankfully, all that is behind me.
Just my experience now is that I have managed psychologically and mentally almost rudely well, straight through this. Being angry in the meantime, frustrated and sad is not strange at all, because it's far from fun. But I never broke down, I have never needed anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs, and I think I'm doing pretty well now that it's finished.
The only me I think I have a really hard time with it, is to maintain routines. My stress tolerance has not directly decreased, and as soon as something deviates from how I want it to work, so can a whole day (or several) get out of phase and everything becomes very difficult.
Actually; now that I think about it more closely – I've also had some problems with motivation to get on the yoga mat. I didn't really expect that, but one (Other) friend told me that while on the one hand I recovered mentally, so maybe it's the case that the body still thinks it's getting chemotherapy and is therefore so reluctant. Right now I am therefore devoting myself to above all keeping the routine up and reminding my body that this is how it will look for the rest of my life, even if right now it won't be “real ones” pass every day (but most often).
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Little things that might be interesting to know;
After the radiation should you be overly careful with the sun to avoid burns. I use sunscreen 50, and also invested in a giant sun hat I wear when it's sunny. I have managed well from even turning red, so I feel satisfied.
A side effect that persisting since the radiation is that I still cough and have a lot of phlegm going up my throat. I'm a smoker, so it's not that strange – but for those of you who also smoke and are about to undergo radiation, it might be fun to hear from someone fellow nicotine addict how it turned out afterwards.
My operated breast feels perfectly fine. The scar looks ok – it can be seen, of course, but in my personal opinion it looks good. I know others who got a real hardening under the scar, but I don't think it's so bad for me. Then the breast is smaller than the other, and doesn't look the same anymore.
I had lucky not to lose all hair. Now that it has started to grow back, there is a clear limit to what I call chemotherapy hair, and the hair that grew out afterwards. Eventually, when it happened (considerably!) longer I will cut off the chemotherapy hair. But right now I mostly just want it to grow, preferably as soon as possible.
Mental work is extremely important in recovery and recovery. For the first time afterwards I thought I stank of poison – extremely uncomfortable. However, it stopped when I forced away the image of poison festering in my body. Do you want to know more about that kind of thinking work, get in touch, I'll write a post just about that.
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I was right introvert before this, and now I'm almost even more introverted. I'd rather be at home, and preferably without company most of the time. The need to get in phase with myself is greater than the need for company right now. It's incredibly nice to have the luxury of treating myself to just that.
That I though I think the funnest thing of all is how I feel that I am becoming more and more the person I am meant to be. Of course I was before too, but I allow myself to be myself to a much greater degree than before, and that is extremely positive. Why waste time being something else, as well as!?